Rafe Notes

He likes to babble. He joins long strings of nonsense sounds together and just goes with it. I had started to worry about this lack of real speaking, but lately I've caught words. "Mum? Mum? Mum! Mum!" "Hell-o!" "niceday" That last one threw me for a loop! "Did you have a nice day?" "niceday!"

He likes to cuddle and give kisses. Suddenly he'll just be there, planting big sloppy kisses on your face! He also gets a kick out of putting his hand under my chin and shoving my head back- yeah, great fun- that one...

Lately he enjoys dancing- if he hears any kind of music he'll stop in tracks and start turning in circles and grinning like a mad thing. His favorite is the christmas pillow that has a pull string that plays "Santa Claus is coming to town". He'll stand in the middle of the room, clutching this pillow to his chest and pulling the cord repeatedly while turning in jerky circles (one foot seems heavier than the other) and grinning at us!

He's very independent and doesnt like being told No!or not getting his way. I had to finally introduce timeouts this evening. He didn't like it, but I stood firm and he went through two one minute stints. He didn't get it, of course he didn't. But it plants the seed that when he is naughty, he will be put in the chair and mommy will be cross! Even after these time outs he still wouldn't help clean up, or even come near me! He hid behind the chair from me! A "Rafeeey- I SEEEEE you" brought a smile to his face, but it was only when I brought out the big guns that he was deafeated. "Rafeeey? Do you want some milk?" That boy came running! He was annoyed that he didn't get some right away, but it only took him a few seconds to realize he could have his milk once he had picked up his toys, and he got right on it and picked them all up!

Still blond hair, I keep waiting for it to darken, but he may be lucky a few years longer. He's losing that baby look around his face and so frequently I look at him and he doesnt look so much like a baby anymore....

Christmas time is here again

The children have slowly been earning back their Christmas via stars, they earn one for every good day they have. Since we started eight days ago, they have earned six stars. As a reward we went to Petersfield to see the switching on of the Christmas lights. We listened and sang along to Christmas songs on the way up, walked along the high street and square, enjoyed the music, laughed at the silly clowns walking around asking for money for Children in Need, ate warm popcorn and just had a nice time out.

The baby was very cute in his fleecey lined pajamas and hat, and we got to meet DH's colleagues new baby and wife, who were both very cute and very sweet.

I was slightly annoyed as no shops were open, and all the festivities were confined to the small square, which was packed. There were so many people out and about, the shops would have made a killing, and surely the town could have done a bit more with the space provided.

On the way home we listened to the quiet Christmas carols and just mellowed. All in all a nice night and made me happy that Christmas time is back again. Even if I can't afford all the fabby Xmas stuff in the windows of Laura Ashley!

Rafe notes

He cried because his new teeth were hurting him. It is so rare because he is normally so easy going and happy. The calpol finally kicked in and he was happy again. Drinking his juice and eating lunch. He smiled.


He held my hand at bedtime. I sat down next to his crib and he held on tight to my hand as he drifted off. I thought to myself how perfect he was, how much I love him, how I never want to leave him.

3/10

So, lateley I have taken to rating myself out of ten at the end of the day. This means I can either congratulate myself on being superwoman once again, OR up the anti depressant dose.

So it is Sunday and I have given myself a 3/10. I've been grumpy and moody all weekend. Short tempered with the children and finding fault with everything they do. I did laundry and a small amount of cleaning, but didn't finish anything I started, or start anything I meant to!

Part of it is that it is November. Halloween has just passed (The British just don't get it) and Thanksgiving should be approaching. But not here. I would be looking forward to Turkey and mom's pumpkin pie. Getting up early and watching the All American Thanksgiving Day Parade, only to abandon it when Macy's started. Excited about everyone coming over, only to bicker endlessly with my sister when she and bro arrived. The kids breaking the drumstick. Football. Giving Thanks. Black Friday, and Christmas. I'm depressed because this will be my third Thanksgiving away from home. Which leads to my third Christmas away from home.

I don't get along with my family, havent even spoken to my sister or brother since I left almost three years ago. But right now I just want to be home. I want to take my kids and my husband and even the cats and get on a plane and go home. And since I know I can't do that, I imagine the next few months with be full of 3/10's.

Two boys>one very real fear

The boys are as different as day and night. It amazes me. Where D would scream and cry and yank at his hair when he was baby, R is docile and sweet, grins and babbles> rarely ever crys. D has turned 10 and I'm quite sure he is a sociopath. (she says, semi-jokingly) Calls us names and tells us to get lost, kicks at things and tries to break them. If we leave him long enough he will eventually come to his senses, but that is, to say the least, difficult. He frightens me at times, though I desperatley try not to show it. It will just make it worse, if he thinks he can scare me by hitting me, or raising a fist or making as if to throw something at me. But it does frighten me and often I end up in tears or just incredibly angry. I keep telling myself we will get through it, eventually- we have gotten through so much already, and this was hardly unexpected. But after 10 years with D, and having O and now R, as well as the BIG move, homesickness, and all the strains and stresses that come with life I'm discovering that my reserves are very drained. This is unsettling to say the least. I am only 25, have only been married 2.5 years, I will have children depending on me for another 10-15 years.

I have actual nightmares in which R reaches up and takes fistfuls of his hair and begins to yank, as Devon would do all those years ago. As horrible as it sounds, these nightmares scare me more than anything else that could possibly happen. Because how could I cope with two sons like that?

Tuesday

My second 7-3 day today. I felt exhausted most of the day. Nothing specific, I suppose just a combination of getting to bed a bit late and Rafe waking up at 2am. Skipped my 12:30 walk because I was so tired, but regretted it at 2:00. I comitted to taking the walks because I wanted to avoid getting tired at 2:00. So, screwed that up... I'll have to push myself a bit more to do it.

Came across a squirrel in the road as I pulled up to the drive leading to work this morning. He was still alive which was unexpected. I picked him up and he just clung to me, no effort to bite or anything. Bleeding from the nose a little but seemed fine otherwise. Took him into the office and kept him warm until one of the vets arrived and had a look at him. By that time he had shaken off the shock and was scrabbling around the cage. JO pronounced him fine and I took him back out and let him go in the trees where I thought he came from. He immediatley took off toward the road... I suppose he fell from a tree, I'm glad I found him before he was hit by a car. I was so pleased he was ok. A fellow expat gave me this link which had some good info about squirrels.

Headed home, Ocean had on a ROCK GODS hour. Great! Good Music! Ha. This week is Genesis. I don't remember what todays song was, but yesterday it was "Jesus looks into me". Ah, yes. Definetly HARD ROCK. *Sigh* The British never fail to dissapoint.

A letter from Chiquitos apologizing for the horrible experience at our local restaurant a few weeks ago. They specified that changes in the management had been made and the specific issues we raised had also been raised with the staff. Included a £40 voucher, roughly half of what we paid for the horrible meal. Invited us to try the new Chiquitos opening in July elsewhere near us. Perhaps we will, but definetly won't be returning to the Port Solent, Portsmouth restaurant.

Off to make Spaghetti for dinner. It is so nice to be home early. I'm going to like this shift.

In the electronics section...

"So.. under the standard 12 month warranty if I get pissed off and throw a glass at it- it's not covered, right?"


"...um...no, it wouldn't be"

"BUT, under your super duper whateverhappens warranty it WOULD be?"

"...well, yes accidental damage is covered......BUT um... malicious... damage probably wouldnt be"

"Ohhhh...SO- if I accidentely DROP a glass on it from across the room- it WOULD be covered."

"um. yeah"

"GREAT. We'll take it.



"Honey- could you please stop telling him your going to throw a glass at the new TV?"

"Wha..? Oh. Sorry."

Politics

In most cases I am an outspoken person and I have a lot of political opinions. Time and circumstance usually prevents me from posting about them, but today there have been a mutlitude of things that have caught my attention and I'd like to express my attention.


1. I truly believe that we must do more to save our planet. From reducing greenhouse gasses to being more economical, etc. But I also firmly believe that every person on this planet has the right to see and experience every corner of our planet if they have the means. So, for enviromentalists to say that Tony Blair and his family should NOT take long haul flights to go on holiday angers me. Yes, he should lead by example- but to tell him that he should not be allowed to take his family where he pleases on holiday is a slap in the face. Perhaps people who live in the United States should not be allowed to visit Paris, or Rome or any of the great wonders of the world. Perhaps we should be denied what may be our only chance to see the world and what it has to offer.
But, wait- if that happens- if we are prohibited from seeing and experiencing the world- then what incentive do we have for saving it?


2. I don't recall all this holier than thou nonsense from the politicians two months ago when it was announced that Saddam Hussein was to be put to death by hanging. THAT was ok. But, hey- you know what you fucking asshole Iraqis? It was totally wrong for you to insult him while you tied that noose around his neck. Honestly.

3. Apparently since our generation (20 somethings) grew up with video games and turned out mostly ok, that means that the kids playing with video games NOW will be fine. Just fine. Nothing wrong whatsoever. Oh, wait except WE grew up playing FROGGER and ZELDA and SUPER MARIO BROTHERS. NOT GRAND THEFT AUTO and MANHUNT. We negotiated castles and leapt across lily pads and zipped around great big tubes. THEY are stealing cars, raping hookers, stabbing and shooting people. Totally the same thing. Yeah, they'll be fine.

Jesus.

Thoughts?

"Look, mate- just because you are an idiot.... I know better than to take that soaking wet 30degree bend at 60 miles a hour- and if you don't get off my ass, you will know better- too."



Also- I use the ashtray in my car to hold food.

Annoying

When one of your superiors says "We need to communicate better" and what they really mean is "YOU need to communicate with ME better."

And then you say "Excuse Me? You are the one who fucked up- not ME. So, maybe you should take that bullshit about communicating better and shove it up your ass."

Or...maybe not. Maybe you just smile and bite your tongue instead....

Waaaaater.......

It's midnight; we are moving tomorrow, and I have been up since 6am. I am trying to finish packing the kitchen up, and eh, maybe I'm halfway through. In an effort to lighten our load I did no grocery shopping this week and encouraged everyone to use stuff up. Which means that the last glass of water was drunk, 3 hours ago, by me. There is no more water in the house, period. Except for tap water, and we all know that stuff gives you dysentery. I am thirsty. T H I R S T Y. Soooo thirsty. How can I wrap plates and pack glasses and clean when my throat is shriveling up? I can't. I just have to drink something. And my husbands warm coke or the kids undiluted orange squash just aren't options you know. It's time for drastic action. A midnight race to my husbands car for the trusty bottle of water he always has in there. It will be perilous, dark, there will be monsters. I steel myself. I grab the keys. Put my shoes one. Stand in front of the door. I tell myself all will be fine. I open the door. At first, it's ok. Nothing flies at me. But SUDDENLY a Crane Fly swoops through the door, dives at my head, and then races toward the light. Another bashes against the door, obviously not understanding exactly how it works. A huge white moth slams into the glass, I see shadows circling just behind the throw of the kitchen light. I let out a scream and slam the door. Simultaneously ducking and waving my hands above my head to fend off the imminent attack. Nothing. I look up, and around. The crane fly is making his way into the dining room, where ultimately, he will meet his demise.

The door remains closed. And here I sit. Thirsty. So thirsty. Water.

Moving...

I'm feeling a bit sad today because we are moving in a week. Originally I was really excited, and of course I still am. The new house is much bigger, and it has loads of storage space and a fantastic big backyard/garden. But it has really started to hit me how much I'll miss it here. The sheer amount of green space. The huge field right through the woods across the street where we go for evening walks and to play ball with the kids. The woods themselves, which change with the season and are always a pleasure to walk through. The MOD land across the road that just goes on for miles around where we go for long Sunday walks and never know what we'll find or where we'll end up. One Sunday it was at the top of a hill overlooking the entire area, another day it was lost in the pouring rain going in circles. The kids pick blackberries and plums and climb the trees and are always on the lookout for rabbits or deer or foxes. I'll miss the small town ness of it. Of running into my neighbors at the grocery store and saying hi, of the bank tellers knowing my name (and, unfortunatley at times, my bank balance...) I'll miss the kids schools, too. They are really great schools and my son, who had so much trouble back home has just had such a better time here. They both love their schools, they know all the teachers and the other kids. I know the schools, the people there, the other parents, etc. I read the school calendar today and felt sad seeing all the things that my son will miss out on this year.


Our house is to small, our garden completley unsecure (weve had pissed off local kids throw garbage in our yard, people walk through it, and we think people have been sitting at our patio table at night while we are asleep which is disturbing.) The local kids are horrid foul mouthed monsters. So, I know that moving is the best option. But I feel like we are moving to this great house which will become the center of our environment. There are no trees or big fields to play in, or land to walk through. The schools, which we have chosen carefully, are to far to walk to anymore, and while our road seems nice everything behind it seems crammed together and looks like council estates. But, it is all clean and quite. I don't really like the local shopping centre and all the small shops a mile or so up the road look really dirty and...not nice... So, I'm glad we're not really near them.

And while I'm sure the schools will be great, they won't be the same or nearly as good as what we have here.

So, I just feel that this house is it. The only reason we're moving, and is it worth it? Am I going to hate the area so much that even the house will fail to make me/us happy? Only one way to find out I suppose. But, I'll miss it here.

I am a bad mother

Really. The worst.

I give my 5 month old baby chocolate. Melted, on the end of my finger, when I'm baking brownies. Sometimes- sometimes- I give him some whipped cream to. And, dear god- he LOVES it.

He is obviously going to develop life threatening allergies, grow up to be morbidly obese, and have apalling eating habits.

Oh, woe is me.

I ate all the muffins.

That's right. Today has been a cold, wet, grey day. I have been in a cold, grey mood ever since having a row with my husband this morning, and our silent drive home when he picked me up did not help. After spending half an hour in bed crying, I decided I should probably get up and make dinner, since I didnt know when the horde would get home from the inlaws house.

My motivation was the brownies. Feeling miserable and sorry for myself it seemed only logical that while cooking dinner I should stuff my face with the triple chocolate brownies, and maybe some of the brownies with cream cheese filling as well. But, alas when I got downstairs I couldnt find them anywhere! I couldnt believe it! Not even the empty container. So, I called my still pissed off and also in trouble husband and asked very nicely if he knew where MY brownies had gone. "Oh, the kids took them down to mums with them".

Ah! They STOLE MY brownies! The horde- who were told that one of them could have ONE brownie after lunch and the other could have NO brownies at all since I came downstairs at 6:00am and found her stuffing her face with TWO illicit brownies. The very same children took the whole lot with them! What about me?! I mean honestly! You completley disregard my instructions and disobey my orders- and then you don't even leave me ONE?! They are SO being sold to the gypsies this time. Even the baby- I'll bet he was the mastermind behind it, he's always trying to get chocolate.


And just to get back at them I baked more blueberry muffins, which they love!, and I ate them allll. Hah. I might even bake more brownies and tease them.

Thieves.

Little Rafey

Well, tomorrow Rafe will be 5 months old! He is an absolute joy, and every moment with him is amazing. In the last two months he has become extremly vocal and loves to jabber and talk, I've been trying to teach him to say ma ma. Now, he can say mama, but not yet in context. Or, maybe it is in context- he only says it when he's extremly ticked off... And after mama? Aluminum. That's right. Just because he was born in Britain doesnt mean he has to talk like the British- I've got the other boy for that. uncommon the
Rafe can roll over, now (has been for awhile) it really was such a non event- I was a bit sad. Though that's not odd these days... I just put him down one day and he rolled over! "Haha, mom bet you werent expecting that!"

Ikea

My daughter has a lovely wardrobe. It has bookshelves, a cupboard to hang dresses, and three small drawers. She has used it for over a year now, and I am finally ready to take it to the dump. The problem is that the drawers get stuck. And the cupboard door falls off, alot. And it's just plain UGLY. And the drawers are so small, she can't fit most of her clothes in them and I keep finding clean clothes on the floor, in the dirty clothes basket, or shoved in the cupboard. And that is enough to give me a nervous breakdown.

Apparently the majority of the western world choose Ikea for furniture needs, so I figured I'd have a look. A quick browse of their website showed me that their flat pack furniture probably isn't much better than anyone elses- but I saw a dresser I liked.
It's actually a convertable changing table. But, that doesnt matter much, as the changing table part converts into shelf space. Perfect. And the price was right as well. A browse of their storage options showed me something else I liked and it was decided, first thing Wednesday we'd head up to Croydon- the closest Ikea to us.

Rafe had a 10:30 appt. for his shots so after that we were on our way. Or so I thought. Having never been to Croydon before I really didn't know what to expect. Had I known to expect to sit in a horrible traffic jam for a full hour, in the middle of a disgusting, dirty city- I never would have gone. The traffic was the worst part of the day and by the time we got to Ikea, both DH and I were in a foul mood. However, the store was air conditioned and they had a cheap restaurant. Before anyone even so much as said "Mommmmy, I'm huuungry" they were sitting at a table with a plate of swedish meatballs and chips in front of them. And for both kids, including drinks it only cost us £4. Bloody hell, that's cheaper than McDonalds! Unfortunatley adult meals are not so cheap and I elected to go without. DH, however could not resist the call of meatballs in gravy- so I left them to it while the baby and I browsed.

I didn't go anywhere really except the childrens area, and I was pleasantly surprised. The store was well laid out, and well lit. I found the dresser I wanted right away, and the storage options were all close by. The one I originally wanted looked cheap and flimsy so I chose to go with a smaller, more sturdy and nicer looking option. I wanted two, one for each kids rooms, but they only had one left. Plenty of the other one, though. So, I suppose I'm not the only one who liked the smaller one better.

I had found what I wanted and done a little browsing and was back out to meet the horde in about 10 minutes. Amazing. I had been prepared for 2 hours of trudging around a huge store trying to find what I wanted and shoving through crowds of people, while the kids whined and acted up. This was awesome. I was so happy that I practically dragged the horde out of the store before things could go horribly wrong. Poor DH didnt even get a chance to see the dresser and storage unit on display, so lets hope he likes them! The only bad thing about the store was that I didnt get the hot dog I wanted, as they seem to have 500 restaurants and cafes and bistros, and the ones I went to, were never the ones with the hot dog deal. Oh, well.

Leaving meant venturing back into the traffic and our moods soon turned black. As we inhaled the fumes from the guy in front and sweltered in the 39 degree c heat, DH and I soon descended into bickering about his driving and ended up not saying a word to each other the whole way back.

The kids were extremly well behaved, however. And on the way home, I saw a parrot in a tree. Apparently an escapee from Bird World. That was great. :)

So, overall Ikea seems to be a nice place and I would like to go back. They even have a childrens centre, which I love, but it was full when we arrived. But, we won't be going any time soon, as I'm just not willing to sit in that bloody traffic again, it was horrible. I'd love for Ikea to build a store in Portsmouth. Apparently they were planning to, but local residents campaigned against it. Knowing how long it takes to get to Portsmouth (25 minutes to drive down there and park) and how long it took to get to Croydon (2 hours to drive up there and park) I have decided that I really hate those people.

At work

You're American?

Yes.

Oh, man can you believe what your country is doing in Iraq?


To be honest, I'm not very happy with it.


Yeah, you know, the Americans are acting just like a spoilt child who's been slapped, and now is going to slap back much harder. I mean, I know September 11th was really terrible and all- but honestly they're acting just like spoiled children, right?


Ummm....


Spoiled Children!


Well, I'm certainly glad you pointed that out. And next time I see President Bush- I'll be sure to fill him in on your educated, well reasoned and thought out points regarding the Middle East.


Ummm....


*idiot*

Little Miss.... something.

Wednesday 7:30-8:25am

"Livvy, go and get ready for school please."

"I'm not getting dressed! I'm NOT going to school!!!

"Livvy, come and eat your breakfast, please."

"I'm NOT eating! I don't want breakfast! I'm NOT HUNGRY!!"

"Livvy, come here so I can brush your hair, please"

"I'm NOT having my hair bruhuhuhushed! I don't want BRUSHY!"

3:20 pm

"Wheres the car, mommy? Did you bring the car? I don't WANT TO WALK HUHUHOME! I WANT TO DRIVE!!"

6-7:30pm

"Livvy, please eat your dinner."

"I'm NOT eating! I DON'T LIKE IT! I'M NOT HUNGRY!!!

"Liv- go and brush your teeth."

"NO! I'm NOT brushing my teeth! NOOOOO!"

"Livvy put your pajamas on"

"I DON'T WANT MY PAJAMAS ON!!!!!"

"Liv- go and get into bed, now."

"NO, I'M NOT GOING TO BED!!!!"


8:30pm

" I love youuuu mommy and daddy and devon and rafey, sweet dreams!!!!"

Mozambique

A woman from my daughters school is going to a childrens centre in Mozambique this summer and would like to again bring donated items for the children there. It is quite sobering to read down the list of things they desperatley need, knowing I have access to those things 24/7 either in my medicine cabinet or at corner shop. A recent report on radio 4 discussed the problem of sanitary pads in Africa, and I found myself quite close to tears as I listened. Girls who have to stay home from school because it was that time of the month. Because they simply don't have access to pads. Can you imagine? In most cases it is because they are simply to expensive. And a group has strived to do everything in their power to make pads more accessible to women and girls, but it slow going. They have only just managed to get the government to agree to take tax off sanitary products. But, how much does that help, really?

I put together three shoeboxes of items to send along this summer, and amongst the items I included 6 packs of 20 pads each. 120 pads in total. But those certainly won't last longer than one cycle for 6 girls. I wished I could do more.

I would like for anyone who reads this blog to send one thing to my daughters school, to in turn be passed on to the childrens centre in Mozambique. Please remember while we live more or less in the lap of luxury- these children have nothing.

Here is a list of things that would be greatly appreciated by the childrens centre. If you only send one thing, it is better than nothing at all. So, please....

unwanted childrens clothes (clean)
toothpaste
toothbrushes
plasters (bandaids)
underwear (size 2-4)
laundry markers
one piece sleepsuits (large size 2-4)
spill proof training cups
frisbees
combs
sanitary pads (no tampons)
balloons
curly ribbon
glue sticks
tape
dry erase and permanent markers
pencils, pens, notebooks and scissors.


These are such simple items, but would make such a world of difference. And theyre not expensive. I decided to go to Lidl, where I knew I would be able to get most things, and more of them. If you decide to send something, then here is the address.


Bordon Infant School
FAO: Joan Fensome
Budds Lane
Bordon, Hampshire
GU35 0JR
UK

Well, despite my desperate pleas to Rafe that he stop that growing stuff, he is now almost to long for his Moses basket, and this morning he rolled over! I know I should be cherishing these very short months, but I just find myself sad with each new day, knowing that soon he will no longer be my baby. I want to sear every smile, every cuddle, every new experience into my memory, it's over so quick and it's so easy to forget.

Yesterday we took the kids to a local fjord(ford?) over at an old milling house. The water was crisp and clear. They ran through it and splashed and watched the Trout that swam by occasionally. Occasionally a car drove through, most were very slow and careful but others, after making sure the kids weren't in the road, would rev the engine and plough through, splashing everyone! These were the most fun. David got some good pictures for the summer magazine he's working on and the kids had a great time. I sat on the side with Rafe at one point and dipped his feet in, and the coldness of the water made the poor thing cry. But, once his feet were warm again, he laughed and smiled in the sunlight.

It's very hot here, they've issued a heatwave alert. That seems so odd to me, as it's at least 30 degrees cooler here than in Arizona, but then I remember that they're not used to it here. As hot as it is, it is kind of nice, just to have the sunlight. But, I'll be happy when it goes. I like the overcast, rainy England. Just goes to show I will never be truly British, as they like to tell me at work.