Sunday

Cleaning is a chore for which I have no patience for. I am busy, with my job and my children and my life and frequently the things that are not vital and are not easy simply don't get done. The evenings are for dinner and homework, reading with the children, putting the baby down. Saturdays are for swimming lessons, laundry and the illusion of "rest". Sundays are family days, dedicated to long walks, roast beef dinner and board games before bed.

So you see, scrubbing walls and washing windows and all the rest is of no use to me.

Alas, occasionally even I must look around and see the state of things. So I berate myself without sympathy and resolve to clean up my act.

And so, we clean. I vaccumm and clean carpets, scrub walls, wash blinds, clear window sills of junk. And then, despite my disdain for the act of cleaning, I take a step back and can't help but marvel at how very nice it all looks, this state of cleanliness. And I assure myself that I will force my family to do more REAL cleaning every day, and I will not let it get to be a mess again.

And so it goes.

Rafe Notes

His vocabulary grows every day. He says "Uh Oh" and "Ow!" and today- a very sweet, very angelic "no". Sadly to be a very stern, very loud "NO!", tomorrow.

I teach him things now. Some would say I should've broken out the flashcards long ago, but he's happy and smart, and so I'm happy. We talked about an orange elephant today, and said goodnight to the trees and wind and rain. We said goodnight to his legs and arms as we slid them inside his pajamas.

He smiles a lot, and likes to play peek a boo, still. He enjoys the way the game can be played anywhere. He can hide behind his crib at bedtime, or in our closet, he can pull his blanket over his face, or even put his hands over his eyes. The perfect game, so fun, so simple- it makes me laugh out loud every time

I hesitate to take him out, as most mothers of toddlers hesitate- but he proves me wrong every time. Yesterday an unexpected trip to the dentist proved almost enjoyable. He sat in his stroller while I read him a story in the waiting room, sat in his stroller and ate a biscuit while I was hacked at in the dentist chair. And smiled and yelled when we raced down the ramp to the car park in the rain. He subsequently cried all the way home, but at least he didn't do it at the dentist's!

Tonight he kissed his stuffed panda bear at bedtime, perfectly, right on the end of his snout. And then he held it up for Daddy and me to kiss as well. Sometimes just looking at him makes my heart swell and tears come to my eyes, I am so lucky.

13 Years Ago

Thirteen years ago...

I was thirteen. I had a boyfriend named James Riddle, who sang just like Noel Gallagher, from Oasis. I loved to listen to him sing. He was adopted and his family was very nice. I forget what his dad did. I remember their car though, it was long, like a station wagon, but not quite. And it was beige. The roof inside was coming to pieces and we used to reach up and peel bits off, as if we just couldn't help it. He loved The Beatles.

He was crazy, or at least he liked to boast that he was. He said he was schizophrenic and more than once he had to be hospitalized because he had done something. I visited him one time in the hospital. He didn't seem himself, but that's all that I remember.

I saw him again. Maybe, 9 years ago? He was married, his wife wasn't very nice to me. He had a baby, not quite the same age as Devon was. I don't remember if it was a boy or a girl. The baby was very dirty, and had dirty clothes on. He was different. Or perhaps I was different.

He was no longer JAMES. He was a guy who needed a shave, and a job, and needed to give his kid a bath.

I've always been amazed at how once you grow up, once you come out of that naievty that is childhood, you begin to see people for what they are. And suddenly, they don't hold the same appeal as they once did. I suppose that's good in a way, it's growing up, isn't it? But it's also sad, as well. It's like having your rose coloured glasses ripped off, only to reveal a very cold, bleak landscape.

headache

Well over the weekend I developed a very nasty migraine that I couldn't shake until late last night. It's been awhile since I've had one and I thought maybe I had kicked them altogether. Nope. I felt as if my head was being ripped open each time it throbbed. My wonderful husband came to the rescue though with some codeine/paracetamol pills I didn't think we still had, I took two, went to bed and woke up two hours later feeling just amazingly better. It's still there though, hanging around in the back of my head. I can feel it waiting to pounce. A few extra strength ibuproefen got me through the day, which included a business meeting and my appraisal.

I've been agonizing over this appraisal. *sigh* It's very dissapointing.


In other news, Rafe now says "uh oh". And today Olivia was rewarded with a chocolate bar in Netball club, for being "dynamite" and always working her socks off and trying very hard. She's also decided to go for basketball club instead of singing this term, and football club again. But what is becoming pretty standard for the guy in charge of the football team, he keeps promising her a permission slip and not producing it. Similar to what he pulled with my son when he tried for over a year to get onto the football team. (He still hasn't been given a place on the team)

The weather is much the same, cold, windy and rainy.

Pulling for Hillary, for some reason Obama just doesn't sit right with me, maybe because he is SO popular... if Clinton fails, than I'd like to see McCain pull ahead, despite his republicaness...

Ah Love...

Devon has his first crush. When he brought home a certificate from school for being the "most improved in behaviour", I knew something was up. The next he day he brought a Christmas present home, from Sian. A week later he asked if we could get her a diamond necklace for Christmas, "because she's always wanted one".

Yeah, well, me too kid. You buy your mother one first, ok?

He listens to her favorite music on repeat. I tell you that kid is GONE for her. It is so cute. He is only ten after all.

Olivia's arch nemesis, Brooke *please, say it with dripping disdain* has moved away over Christmas and she couldn't be happier. Brooke's sidekick, Kimberley has apparently "gotten used" to Olivia, now. BUT, there is a new girl at school, Lauren, who is very nice but who Ebonie says that Olivia can only play with on alternating days. My advice that she tell Ebonie to shove it was not gratefully received and so I told her she should tell Ebonie that she likes her very much and wants to be her friend, but that they can all play together, she doesnt think it's very nice of her to tell her who she can or can't play with. Which is the nice way of saying "Shove it, Ebonie."

Rafe continues to be a toddler, doing toddler things. He won't let us feed him any more, and is very particular about what he does eat. Fruit? No. Meat? No. Veg? No. Chocolate? Yes. Toast? Yes. At Grandma and Grandpa's he won't eat unless he's fed and it's on toast. No talking yet. We do get the occasional "Kitty" and "Mummmmm", sometimes he says "Da"

We've had a cold snap the last week. They were forcasting snow, but only Scotland and the Yorkshire area enjoyed the white stuff. We endured bitter temperatures, freezing wind, and plain old rain, down this way. I had to laugh when I went to wash my windshield at a gas station at 3:30 in the afternoon and found the squeegie was encased in a two inch thick block of frozen washer fluid.

And finally, we took the Christmas tree down last night. The poor thing had expired at somepoint in the week, despite daily watering, and everytime I brushed it, millions of pineneedles fell to the floor. A thoroughly depressing site.

Now, we ready the house for inspection in two weeks. *sigh* Renting Sucks.

Rafe Notes

He likes to babble. He joins long strings of nonsense sounds together and just goes with it. I had started to worry about this lack of real speaking, but lately I've caught words. "Mum? Mum? Mum! Mum!" "Hell-o!" "niceday" That last one threw me for a loop! "Did you have a nice day?" "niceday!"

He likes to cuddle and give kisses. Suddenly he'll just be there, planting big sloppy kisses on your face! He also gets a kick out of putting his hand under my chin and shoving my head back- yeah, great fun- that one...

Lately he enjoys dancing- if he hears any kind of music he'll stop in tracks and start turning in circles and grinning like a mad thing. His favorite is the christmas pillow that has a pull string that plays "Santa Claus is coming to town". He'll stand in the middle of the room, clutching this pillow to his chest and pulling the cord repeatedly while turning in jerky circles (one foot seems heavier than the other) and grinning at us!

He's very independent and doesnt like being told No!or not getting his way. I had to finally introduce timeouts this evening. He didn't like it, but I stood firm and he went through two one minute stints. He didn't get it, of course he didn't. But it plants the seed that when he is naughty, he will be put in the chair and mommy will be cross! Even after these time outs he still wouldn't help clean up, or even come near me! He hid behind the chair from me! A "Rafeeey- I SEEEEE you" brought a smile to his face, but it was only when I brought out the big guns that he was deafeated. "Rafeeey? Do you want some milk?" That boy came running! He was annoyed that he didn't get some right away, but it only took him a few seconds to realize he could have his milk once he had picked up his toys, and he got right on it and picked them all up!

Still blond hair, I keep waiting for it to darken, but he may be lucky a few years longer. He's losing that baby look around his face and so frequently I look at him and he doesnt look so much like a baby anymore....

Christmas time is here again

The children have slowly been earning back their Christmas via stars, they earn one for every good day they have. Since we started eight days ago, they have earned six stars. As a reward we went to Petersfield to see the switching on of the Christmas lights. We listened and sang along to Christmas songs on the way up, walked along the high street and square, enjoyed the music, laughed at the silly clowns walking around asking for money for Children in Need, ate warm popcorn and just had a nice time out.

The baby was very cute in his fleecey lined pajamas and hat, and we got to meet DH's colleagues new baby and wife, who were both very cute and very sweet.

I was slightly annoyed as no shops were open, and all the festivities were confined to the small square, which was packed. There were so many people out and about, the shops would have made a killing, and surely the town could have done a bit more with the space provided.

On the way home we listened to the quiet Christmas carols and just mellowed. All in all a nice night and made me happy that Christmas time is back again. Even if I can't afford all the fabby Xmas stuff in the windows of Laura Ashley!

Rafe notes

He cried because his new teeth were hurting him. It is so rare because he is normally so easy going and happy. The calpol finally kicked in and he was happy again. Drinking his juice and eating lunch. He smiled.


He held my hand at bedtime. I sat down next to his crib and he held on tight to my hand as he drifted off. I thought to myself how perfect he was, how much I love him, how I never want to leave him.

3/10

So, lateley I have taken to rating myself out of ten at the end of the day. This means I can either congratulate myself on being superwoman once again, OR up the anti depressant dose.

So it is Sunday and I have given myself a 3/10. I've been grumpy and moody all weekend. Short tempered with the children and finding fault with everything they do. I did laundry and a small amount of cleaning, but didn't finish anything I started, or start anything I meant to!

Part of it is that it is November. Halloween has just passed (The British just don't get it) and Thanksgiving should be approaching. But not here. I would be looking forward to Turkey and mom's pumpkin pie. Getting up early and watching the All American Thanksgiving Day Parade, only to abandon it when Macy's started. Excited about everyone coming over, only to bicker endlessly with my sister when she and bro arrived. The kids breaking the drumstick. Football. Giving Thanks. Black Friday, and Christmas. I'm depressed because this will be my third Thanksgiving away from home. Which leads to my third Christmas away from home.

I don't get along with my family, havent even spoken to my sister or brother since I left almost three years ago. But right now I just want to be home. I want to take my kids and my husband and even the cats and get on a plane and go home. And since I know I can't do that, I imagine the next few months with be full of 3/10's.

Two boys>one very real fear

The boys are as different as day and night. It amazes me. Where D would scream and cry and yank at his hair when he was baby, R is docile and sweet, grins and babbles> rarely ever crys. D has turned 10 and I'm quite sure he is a sociopath. (she says, semi-jokingly) Calls us names and tells us to get lost, kicks at things and tries to break them. If we leave him long enough he will eventually come to his senses, but that is, to say the least, difficult. He frightens me at times, though I desperatley try not to show it. It will just make it worse, if he thinks he can scare me by hitting me, or raising a fist or making as if to throw something at me. But it does frighten me and often I end up in tears or just incredibly angry. I keep telling myself we will get through it, eventually- we have gotten through so much already, and this was hardly unexpected. But after 10 years with D, and having O and now R, as well as the BIG move, homesickness, and all the strains and stresses that come with life I'm discovering that my reserves are very drained. This is unsettling to say the least. I am only 25, have only been married 2.5 years, I will have children depending on me for another 10-15 years.

I have actual nightmares in which R reaches up and takes fistfuls of his hair and begins to yank, as Devon would do all those years ago. As horrible as it sounds, these nightmares scare me more than anything else that could possibly happen. Because how could I cope with two sons like that?

Tuesday

My second 7-3 day today. I felt exhausted most of the day. Nothing specific, I suppose just a combination of getting to bed a bit late and Rafe waking up at 2am. Skipped my 12:30 walk because I was so tired, but regretted it at 2:00. I comitted to taking the walks because I wanted to avoid getting tired at 2:00. So, screwed that up... I'll have to push myself a bit more to do it.

Came across a squirrel in the road as I pulled up to the drive leading to work this morning. He was still alive which was unexpected. I picked him up and he just clung to me, no effort to bite or anything. Bleeding from the nose a little but seemed fine otherwise. Took him into the office and kept him warm until one of the vets arrived and had a look at him. By that time he had shaken off the shock and was scrabbling around the cage. JO pronounced him fine and I took him back out and let him go in the trees where I thought he came from. He immediatley took off toward the road... I suppose he fell from a tree, I'm glad I found him before he was hit by a car. I was so pleased he was ok. A fellow expat gave me this link which had some good info about squirrels.

Headed home, Ocean had on a ROCK GODS hour. Great! Good Music! Ha. This week is Genesis. I don't remember what todays song was, but yesterday it was "Jesus looks into me". Ah, yes. Definetly HARD ROCK. *Sigh* The British never fail to dissapoint.

A letter from Chiquitos apologizing for the horrible experience at our local restaurant a few weeks ago. They specified that changes in the management had been made and the specific issues we raised had also been raised with the staff. Included a £40 voucher, roughly half of what we paid for the horrible meal. Invited us to try the new Chiquitos opening in July elsewhere near us. Perhaps we will, but definetly won't be returning to the Port Solent, Portsmouth restaurant.

Off to make Spaghetti for dinner. It is so nice to be home early. I'm going to like this shift.

In the electronics section...

"So.. under the standard 12 month warranty if I get pissed off and throw a glass at it- it's not covered, right?"


"...um...no, it wouldn't be"

"BUT, under your super duper whateverhappens warranty it WOULD be?"

"...well, yes accidental damage is covered......BUT um... malicious... damage probably wouldnt be"

"Ohhhh...SO- if I accidentely DROP a glass on it from across the room- it WOULD be covered."

"um. yeah"

"GREAT. We'll take it.



"Honey- could you please stop telling him your going to throw a glass at the new TV?"

"Wha..? Oh. Sorry."

Politics

In most cases I am an outspoken person and I have a lot of political opinions. Time and circumstance usually prevents me from posting about them, but today there have been a mutlitude of things that have caught my attention and I'd like to express my attention.


1. I truly believe that we must do more to save our planet. From reducing greenhouse gasses to being more economical, etc. But I also firmly believe that every person on this planet has the right to see and experience every corner of our planet if they have the means. So, for enviromentalists to say that Tony Blair and his family should NOT take long haul flights to go on holiday angers me. Yes, he should lead by example- but to tell him that he should not be allowed to take his family where he pleases on holiday is a slap in the face. Perhaps people who live in the United States should not be allowed to visit Paris, or Rome or any of the great wonders of the world. Perhaps we should be denied what may be our only chance to see the world and what it has to offer.
But, wait- if that happens- if we are prohibited from seeing and experiencing the world- then what incentive do we have for saving it?


2. I don't recall all this holier than thou nonsense from the politicians two months ago when it was announced that Saddam Hussein was to be put to death by hanging. THAT was ok. But, hey- you know what you fucking asshole Iraqis? It was totally wrong for you to insult him while you tied that noose around his neck. Honestly.

3. Apparently since our generation (20 somethings) grew up with video games and turned out mostly ok, that means that the kids playing with video games NOW will be fine. Just fine. Nothing wrong whatsoever. Oh, wait except WE grew up playing FROGGER and ZELDA and SUPER MARIO BROTHERS. NOT GRAND THEFT AUTO and MANHUNT. We negotiated castles and leapt across lily pads and zipped around great big tubes. THEY are stealing cars, raping hookers, stabbing and shooting people. Totally the same thing. Yeah, they'll be fine.

Jesus.

Thoughts?

"Look, mate- just because you are an idiot.... I know better than to take that soaking wet 30degree bend at 60 miles a hour- and if you don't get off my ass, you will know better- too."



Also- I use the ashtray in my car to hold food.

Annoying

When one of your superiors says "We need to communicate better" and what they really mean is "YOU need to communicate with ME better."

And then you say "Excuse Me? You are the one who fucked up- not ME. So, maybe you should take that bullshit about communicating better and shove it up your ass."

Or...maybe not. Maybe you just smile and bite your tongue instead....

Waaaaater.......

It's midnight; we are moving tomorrow, and I have been up since 6am. I am trying to finish packing the kitchen up, and eh, maybe I'm halfway through. In an effort to lighten our load I did no grocery shopping this week and encouraged everyone to use stuff up. Which means that the last glass of water was drunk, 3 hours ago, by me. There is no more water in the house, period. Except for tap water, and we all know that stuff gives you dysentery. I am thirsty. T H I R S T Y. Soooo thirsty. How can I wrap plates and pack glasses and clean when my throat is shriveling up? I can't. I just have to drink something. And my husbands warm coke or the kids undiluted orange squash just aren't options you know. It's time for drastic action. A midnight race to my husbands car for the trusty bottle of water he always has in there. It will be perilous, dark, there will be monsters. I steel myself. I grab the keys. Put my shoes one. Stand in front of the door. I tell myself all will be fine. I open the door. At first, it's ok. Nothing flies at me. But SUDDENLY a Crane Fly swoops through the door, dives at my head, and then races toward the light. Another bashes against the door, obviously not understanding exactly how it works. A huge white moth slams into the glass, I see shadows circling just behind the throw of the kitchen light. I let out a scream and slam the door. Simultaneously ducking and waving my hands above my head to fend off the imminent attack. Nothing. I look up, and around. The crane fly is making his way into the dining room, where ultimately, he will meet his demise.

The door remains closed. And here I sit. Thirsty. So thirsty. Water.

Moving...

I'm feeling a bit sad today because we are moving in a week. Originally I was really excited, and of course I still am. The new house is much bigger, and it has loads of storage space and a fantastic big backyard/garden. But it has really started to hit me how much I'll miss it here. The sheer amount of green space. The huge field right through the woods across the street where we go for evening walks and to play ball with the kids. The woods themselves, which change with the season and are always a pleasure to walk through. The MOD land across the road that just goes on for miles around where we go for long Sunday walks and never know what we'll find or where we'll end up. One Sunday it was at the top of a hill overlooking the entire area, another day it was lost in the pouring rain going in circles. The kids pick blackberries and plums and climb the trees and are always on the lookout for rabbits or deer or foxes. I'll miss the small town ness of it. Of running into my neighbors at the grocery store and saying hi, of the bank tellers knowing my name (and, unfortunatley at times, my bank balance...) I'll miss the kids schools, too. They are really great schools and my son, who had so much trouble back home has just had such a better time here. They both love their schools, they know all the teachers and the other kids. I know the schools, the people there, the other parents, etc. I read the school calendar today and felt sad seeing all the things that my son will miss out on this year.


Our house is to small, our garden completley unsecure (weve had pissed off local kids throw garbage in our yard, people walk through it, and we think people have been sitting at our patio table at night while we are asleep which is disturbing.) The local kids are horrid foul mouthed monsters. So, I know that moving is the best option. But I feel like we are moving to this great house which will become the center of our environment. There are no trees or big fields to play in, or land to walk through. The schools, which we have chosen carefully, are to far to walk to anymore, and while our road seems nice everything behind it seems crammed together and looks like council estates. But, it is all clean and quite. I don't really like the local shopping centre and all the small shops a mile or so up the road look really dirty and...not nice... So, I'm glad we're not really near them.

And while I'm sure the schools will be great, they won't be the same or nearly as good as what we have here.

So, I just feel that this house is it. The only reason we're moving, and is it worth it? Am I going to hate the area so much that even the house will fail to make me/us happy? Only one way to find out I suppose. But, I'll miss it here.

I am a bad mother

Really. The worst.

I give my 5 month old baby chocolate. Melted, on the end of my finger, when I'm baking brownies. Sometimes- sometimes- I give him some whipped cream to. And, dear god- he LOVES it.

He is obviously going to develop life threatening allergies, grow up to be morbidly obese, and have apalling eating habits.

Oh, woe is me.

I ate all the muffins.

That's right. Today has been a cold, wet, grey day. I have been in a cold, grey mood ever since having a row with my husband this morning, and our silent drive home when he picked me up did not help. After spending half an hour in bed crying, I decided I should probably get up and make dinner, since I didnt know when the horde would get home from the inlaws house.

My motivation was the brownies. Feeling miserable and sorry for myself it seemed only logical that while cooking dinner I should stuff my face with the triple chocolate brownies, and maybe some of the brownies with cream cheese filling as well. But, alas when I got downstairs I couldnt find them anywhere! I couldnt believe it! Not even the empty container. So, I called my still pissed off and also in trouble husband and asked very nicely if he knew where MY brownies had gone. "Oh, the kids took them down to mums with them".

Ah! They STOLE MY brownies! The horde- who were told that one of them could have ONE brownie after lunch and the other could have NO brownies at all since I came downstairs at 6:00am and found her stuffing her face with TWO illicit brownies. The very same children took the whole lot with them! What about me?! I mean honestly! You completley disregard my instructions and disobey my orders- and then you don't even leave me ONE?! They are SO being sold to the gypsies this time. Even the baby- I'll bet he was the mastermind behind it, he's always trying to get chocolate.


And just to get back at them I baked more blueberry muffins, which they love!, and I ate them allll. Hah. I might even bake more brownies and tease them.

Thieves.

Little Rafey

Well, tomorrow Rafe will be 5 months old! He is an absolute joy, and every moment with him is amazing. In the last two months he has become extremly vocal and loves to jabber and talk, I've been trying to teach him to say ma ma. Now, he can say mama, but not yet in context. Or, maybe it is in context- he only says it when he's extremly ticked off... And after mama? Aluminum. That's right. Just because he was born in Britain doesnt mean he has to talk like the British- I've got the other boy for that. uncommon the
Rafe can roll over, now (has been for awhile) it really was such a non event- I was a bit sad. Though that's not odd these days... I just put him down one day and he rolled over! "Haha, mom bet you werent expecting that!"