21 July, 2007

Two boys>one very real fear

The boys are as different as day and night. It amazes me. Where D would scream and cry and yank at his hair when he was baby, R is docile and sweet, grins and babbles> rarely ever crys. D has turned 10 and I'm quite sure he is a sociopath. (she says, semi-jokingly) Calls us names and tells us to get lost, kicks at things and tries to break them. If we leave him long enough he will eventually come to his senses, but that is, to say the least, difficult. He frightens me at times, though I desperatley try not to show it. It will just make it worse, if he thinks he can scare me by hitting me, or raising a fist or making as if to throw something at me. But it does frighten me and often I end up in tears or just incredibly angry. I keep telling myself we will get through it, eventually- we have gotten through so much already, and this was hardly unexpected. But after 10 years with D, and having O and now R, as well as the BIG move, homesickness, and all the strains and stresses that come with life I'm discovering that my reserves are very drained. This is unsettling to say the least. I am only 25, have only been married 2.5 years, I will have children depending on me for another 10-15 years.

I have actual nightmares in which R reaches up and takes fistfuls of his hair and begins to yank, as Devon would do all those years ago. As horrible as it sounds, these nightmares scare me more than anything else that could possibly happen. Because how could I cope with two sons like that?